"K.s.Hegde ladies hostel" proclaims a shabby,little,crooked board
(how cliched! I wonder if all the documented old time places in India always had crooked boards)
nailed on the now fraying and bending lines of barbed waire hung over the 8 foot wall surrounding our modest,make-shift home for the next 5 years..
A few of the wires were actually cut
from the effects of the forces of nature or the mere strain of holding in the ever blooming politics i always wondered..
The TV room was a small room right next to the common dining hall
It was a small and stuffy
it had one window facing the backyard and name-sake curtains adorned the window in a grotesque manner.
no breeze ever came through that window.
The curtain was old,filthy and had strange stains on it.. it even had a barely contained tear!
This room when opened,
welcomed you with a burst of hot,humid air
that almost perennially smelt of sweat mixed with the other quality the air develops from housing too many people in highly uncomfortable close quarters consistently over long periods of time..
Our beloved idiot box was placed on one of the spare beaureaus the hostel manager managed to spare.
It was a 21-inch sony colour screen TV
this room although small& seemingly harmless held in its belly a million rules and strata
like in a football stadium
there were those who sat on the grass
then the next who got the barely there seats
then the next strata who got the better seats
then at last came the seats with the best view inside your own air conditioned chamber,small speakers for commentary ,couches and service for popcorn,beed and the like.
the senior most got the highest strata,i.e. THE REMOTE !!
if i had special effects i'd make that word glitter in gold..
whether it is a single person surrounded by a bunch of giggly,innocent,idiotic,inexperienced juniors or a big group of seniors with a comparatively smaller group of juniors;
the rule held its ground
the senior is next only to god in the TV room.
In the first few months of being a freshie
even the privilege of entering the TV room was not granted to you
you gradually acquired it as you stayed longer and became a more familiar face
Just like a company gives you more fringe benefits as you work for a longer time..
here i will present to you a few scenarios:-
In case only a bunch of juniors are watching TV and a senior happens to enter
either you quickly handover the remote or if you don't have the guts to look into her piercing evil eyes,walk forward and place it right next to the TV and quickly make your exit or if u wish to stay..move as a far away from the danger zone as possible.
In case you are better acquainted with the senior folk or are the type with more confidence you ask what they would like to watch and obediently switch channels.
As time passes by,you are given the right to request the change of the channel to a one you might prefer.
IF the senior was feelings generous or has a liking to you or felt pity for you poor soul then they might;just might change the channel during commercial breaks.
These days times have changed such that the juniors hold power over the seniors due to the simple fact that a bill has been passed declaring ragging to be a non-bailable offence.All institutions have buttoned up and there are posters everywhere at the start of every academic year.they'd even gone the extent of forming an anti-ragging committee!
So anything and everything can be framed as ragging and the poor senior most often insulted badly by the members of the disciplinary committee or as we affectionately referred to it as the disco.
They would of course protect you from the police
but not before giving you a seriously scary,earth rumbling warning coupled with suspension.
So now,the tables have turned or rather there is havoc in our little belly which was earlier full of orderly proceedings.
now juniors no matter how low in the cadre demand to watch what they want
and if it is a small group of seniors,the chief aim of the juniors is to irk them mercilessly until they decide that they have had enough and leave.
once they leave it is a mass jeering the hooting that erupts from the room
the seniors emerge..harrassed,irritated and ready to bring the roof down in a barely controlled rage
if they were to summon them all in for a mass scolding/lecture on appropriate behavious
one must be careful for the scales might tip either way
of course there always are the few juniors who would later approach the senior and try to appease them with some well practiced diplomacy.
but nothing really helps.
A small portion of the anger is forever left with the harrassed party.
I,personally stayed away from the tumultous belly and all its rumblings
for the simple reason that all those proceedings seem too cumbersome just to watch the damn tv
or is the tv just an excuse for politics concerning hierarchy i often wondered..
besides,the room was always an unbearable affair for me
Hot,stuffy,sweaty,dungeon like and severly claustrophobic.
the 2 merrily whizzing fans which would never turn fast enough.
i always felt as if it was my first breath of life all over again everytime i emerged from the room.
however higher up in the cadre i go i surely will never be a politician
I'd rather spend my time in my well-ventilatedcool room on my comforatable bed with some music..
Besides..it was called the idiot box for a reason!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Growth spurt
Koyal The songbird cooes nitin sawhney
The year is 2005
its well past midnight
In the amber glow of the living room after hour lights
there i sat huddled in a corner
the television on & volume turned on low
the window behind the couch gaped open
soft,cold,night-time breeze gently whispered on the back of my neck
tickling me now and then.
An occassional powerful surge gently nudging me out of my reverie
The future lay ahead
i was standind at the crossroads
each road lead to more roads
i was uncertain,as on most nights
The Tv scene was early 1800s,
an indian countryside shot
in black and white frames
figures moved about on the screen
a man in a chariot with his lady at his side
her poory styled hair whipping behind her in the countryside breeze
some scenes of war
it made no sense to me
perhaps i was paying attention only occassionally
An exceptionally wonderful song
coupled with a strikingly unexpected video.
my eyes would fill up with tears on nights like these
Of an old love lost,of some crushed childish dreams
would i have new ones?
of course.of course.
my future,o my mysterious future
what lay before me?
I turned around
and tried to listen to the sweet,innocent,inexperienced nightly breeze
it was a lot like me
wishful,hopeful,bashful
came in when all others left
only the confused and thoughtful stayed behind
To haunt my hallways until,
the swirling vortex of thoughts thatwere allowed to unleash only at night,
would finally come under the hold of the sane and accepted predilections
i'd be back again songbird
to listen to the song you save only for me
on nights like these,i feel a universe apart from all those around me
in a happy.timeless,limitless existence
I clamoured it often,greedily
night after night after night
those were the truest nights of my growing up.
The year is 2005
its well past midnight
In the amber glow of the living room after hour lights
there i sat huddled in a corner
the television on & volume turned on low
the window behind the couch gaped open
soft,cold,night-time breeze gently whispered on the back of my neck
tickling me now and then.
An occassional powerful surge gently nudging me out of my reverie
The future lay ahead
i was standind at the crossroads
each road lead to more roads
i was uncertain,as on most nights
The Tv scene was early 1800s,
an indian countryside shot
in black and white frames
figures moved about on the screen
a man in a chariot with his lady at his side
her poory styled hair whipping behind her in the countryside breeze
some scenes of war
it made no sense to me
perhaps i was paying attention only occassionally
An exceptionally wonderful song
coupled with a strikingly unexpected video.
my eyes would fill up with tears on nights like these
Of an old love lost,of some crushed childish dreams
would i have new ones?
of course.of course.
my future,o my mysterious future
what lay before me?
I turned around
and tried to listen to the sweet,innocent,inexperienced nightly breeze
it was a lot like me
wishful,hopeful,bashful
came in when all others left
only the confused and thoughtful stayed behind
To haunt my hallways until,
the swirling vortex of thoughts thatwere allowed to unleash only at night,
would finally come under the hold of the sane and accepted predilections
i'd be back again songbird
to listen to the song you save only for me
on nights like these,i feel a universe apart from all those around me
in a happy.timeless,limitless existence
I clamoured it often,greedily
night after night after night
those were the truest nights of my growing up.
Monday, July 23, 2007
The God Pass
I lay in the backseat fidgeting uncomfortably with the handle at my head
and glaring sunlight at my feet...
not quite happy with the music the radio played..
overshadowed by the quarelling parents in the front seat..
my brain had stilled uncomfortably
I had numbed it down forcefully the previous night
Like injecting a screaming,manic,psychiatric patient with a sedative..
Now i bore the after effects..
A damp,groggy mind and a heavy head
the thoughts in my head were slower in their coming
and softer with their voices somehow..
every thought faded away before forming itself fully..
I tried to sleep,quite unsuccessfully..
Restless yet calm..
i sit up then.."are we there yet?"
nope..stuck in a traffic jam again..sigh..
I slump back down..
Try and change my position
and somehow end up more uncomfortable than i was earlier..
I look at the screen of my phone..
Blank and tranquil..just like i had commanded..
i was satisfied yet not so much..
and i think to myself.
Where am i going with this?
i dont need anyone..i really dont..
wish i could get up..
but my feet refuse to move..
Here we arrive finally
the music stops,the car chugs to a halt
i push these thoughts further away..
leave my strings and shoelaces behind
and wak into the religious building..
My feet are scalding,my hair is still damp
and my mind is still mute
the usual chaos of thoughts falling all over each other
and pushing upon the next ones shoving them back and forth
have all surprisingly..vanished..
we weave through the complicated man made pathways..
designed to tame untamed religious fanatics..
and here we thought faith was a quiet and private issue..
We enter one shrine after another
we take the special path closer to god
for a one fifty rupee ticket
pay up and you get closer to god!
The glittery and shiny gold plated idol
with all these priests walking around
chanting their own sacred sanskrit verses
Are they all dedicated to their god?
or are simply unclean minds in holy bodies?
whats a muscular body got to do with working in a temple and throwing flowers anyway?
do they wake up each morning and do their push ups and then proceed to "work" like the rest
of us?
my mind wanders about the corridors of the mundane..
A small boy next to me ,
prays in the earnest
nudged on by his older sister..
I forgot to pray,i forget the gleaming shining idol i paid Rs.150 to get closer to..
and watch the child pray with delight and fascination..
If there's a god in this world he's in magical moments like these..
Onwards we go..to the biggest shrine yet..
With a private enclosed are for us,special guests of god,the payers of Rs.150
the priest sits in a corner at a table
he has the same look about him that the librarian in our college has..
he has a bowl placed before him..
it is full of flowers floating in water..
holy water i presume..
place your fingertips on it,he directs us
In flawless english..
we obey,asks us our names and chants a few incantations and gives us a bowl of "prashad"
the yummy treat you get after slaving in a temple in long ,winding,rickety lines of religious persons..all for a glimpse of man made idol..
i remember thinking about the treat whilst we were supposed to be praying when i was a child small enough to go unnoticed in an average person's field of vision
grandma always sat me down in the cool marble courtyard outside the praying area and finally handed over the treat i had been patiently and impatiently waiting for..
It always got over too fast..
and there i was left with sticky finger ,thirst(because of the sweet)and thinking my adventure's over and i have to wait until next time for this treat..
so we take the prashad and walk forward where we are directed to sit down while the priests prepare for out very own pooha..
im already thinking about opening the packet and peeking a look into the mud pot with my treat..
the gods shine and glitter as always
jewellery,flowers and fancy clothes specially tailored..
the pooja's over and we're lead out of there..
to the commercial section of the temple..
that sold its very own god merchandise
T-shirts,lamps,food,paintings..
you name it, its here..
God sets up his very own supermarket
with orgranic produce and glowy stickers
I tire of all this unholiness..
i just want my prashad...
i console myself by the fact that
atleast i was honest about my intentions all along..
not like the farces over here
and hey i wanted the beads!
the sandalwood beads made and sold in the name of god
now we're done..after drinking our cold badam milk after shopping for god merchandise
and we head out of there
on the way out we tread on the scalding paths to the air conditioned four wheeler
back into the humdrums of the dissatisfactory radio stations..
lingering at the dial with my mind elsewhere..
stuck in a traffic jam again..sigh..
my stomach growls as I slump on the backseat uncomfortably once more..
and glaring sunlight at my feet...
not quite happy with the music the radio played..
overshadowed by the quarelling parents in the front seat..
my brain had stilled uncomfortably
I had numbed it down forcefully the previous night
Like injecting a screaming,manic,psychiatric patient with a sedative..
Now i bore the after effects..
A damp,groggy mind and a heavy head
the thoughts in my head were slower in their coming
and softer with their voices somehow..
every thought faded away before forming itself fully..
I tried to sleep,quite unsuccessfully..
Restless yet calm..
i sit up then.."are we there yet?"
nope..stuck in a traffic jam again..sigh..
I slump back down..
Try and change my position
and somehow end up more uncomfortable than i was earlier..
I look at the screen of my phone..
Blank and tranquil..just like i had commanded..
i was satisfied yet not so much..
and i think to myself.
Where am i going with this?
i dont need anyone..i really dont..
wish i could get up..
but my feet refuse to move..
Here we arrive finally
the music stops,the car chugs to a halt
i push these thoughts further away..
leave my strings and shoelaces behind
and wak into the religious building..
My feet are scalding,my hair is still damp
and my mind is still mute
the usual chaos of thoughts falling all over each other
and pushing upon the next ones shoving them back and forth
have all surprisingly..vanished..
we weave through the complicated man made pathways..
designed to tame untamed religious fanatics..
and here we thought faith was a quiet and private issue..
We enter one shrine after another
we take the special path closer to god
for a one fifty rupee ticket
pay up and you get closer to god!
The glittery and shiny gold plated idol
with all these priests walking around
chanting their own sacred sanskrit verses
Are they all dedicated to their god?
or are simply unclean minds in holy bodies?
whats a muscular body got to do with working in a temple and throwing flowers anyway?
do they wake up each morning and do their push ups and then proceed to "work" like the rest
of us?
my mind wanders about the corridors of the mundane..
A small boy next to me ,
prays in the earnest
nudged on by his older sister..
I forgot to pray,i forget the gleaming shining idol i paid Rs.150 to get closer to..
and watch the child pray with delight and fascination..
If there's a god in this world he's in magical moments like these..
Onwards we go..to the biggest shrine yet..
With a private enclosed are for us,special guests of god,the payers of Rs.150
the priest sits in a corner at a table
he has the same look about him that the librarian in our college has..
he has a bowl placed before him..
it is full of flowers floating in water..
holy water i presume..
place your fingertips on it,he directs us
In flawless english..
we obey,asks us our names and chants a few incantations and gives us a bowl of "prashad"
the yummy treat you get after slaving in a temple in long ,winding,rickety lines of religious persons..all for a glimpse of man made idol..
i remember thinking about the treat whilst we were supposed to be praying when i was a child small enough to go unnoticed in an average person's field of vision
grandma always sat me down in the cool marble courtyard outside the praying area and finally handed over the treat i had been patiently and impatiently waiting for..
It always got over too fast..
and there i was left with sticky finger ,thirst(because of the sweet)and thinking my adventure's over and i have to wait until next time for this treat..
so we take the prashad and walk forward where we are directed to sit down while the priests prepare for out very own pooha..
im already thinking about opening the packet and peeking a look into the mud pot with my treat..
the gods shine and glitter as always
jewellery,flowers and fancy clothes specially tailored..
the pooja's over and we're lead out of there..
to the commercial section of the temple..
that sold its very own god merchandise
T-shirts,lamps,food,paintings..
you name it, its here..
God sets up his very own supermarket
with orgranic produce and glowy stickers
I tire of all this unholiness..
i just want my prashad...
i console myself by the fact that
atleast i was honest about my intentions all along..
not like the farces over here
and hey i wanted the beads!
the sandalwood beads made and sold in the name of god
now we're done..after drinking our cold badam milk after shopping for god merchandise
and we head out of there
on the way out we tread on the scalding paths to the air conditioned four wheeler
back into the humdrums of the dissatisfactory radio stations..
lingering at the dial with my mind elsewhere..
stuck in a traffic jam again..sigh..
my stomach growls as I slump on the backseat uncomfortably once more..
Friday, April 6, 2007
Hold my hand..
Out of the tree of life..i just picked me a plum..you came along and everything is starting to hum..you see i believe the best is yet to come..
The loud,buzzing din of public transport
The music i strain to hear
A blinking light overhead of an abbreviation i cant make sense of..
Theres a vacuum inside me..i feel my heart fall deeper and deeper within itself..felt as if i was sinking while i lay still..
He took me there..
Where the sun kisses the ocean and the ocean meets the land..
One pant leg upto my knee..the other lags at my ankle..
too trivial i decide..and too tired to pull it back up again
weighing down with a part of the salty ocean and flopping and slapping against my feet..
I look to the horizon and try to lose myself among the waves and the overwhelming calm..
The calm i'm seldom surrounded by..
I wait to be inspired..by all this..so i may write once more..its been too long..
I close my eyes..the breeze ruffles my hair the waves lick my feet gently and i'm almost there..
there where i want to be..almost..
"what are you thinking about?"..your voice rudely interrupts..
"stop going there i dont want to walk in the water.."
"Arghhh..my pants!damn it!"..
I take a deep breath and bite down the coming wave of anger..
Calm down..calm down..
just in that moment i realised how wrong our perceived 'right' is together..
Just in this moment when i see that blinking meaningless light go on relentlessly..
It hits me again in a new perspective
I wonder how long i'll pay this price..
hark now hear!destiny is calling me..
The loud,buzzing din of public transport
The music i strain to hear
A blinking light overhead of an abbreviation i cant make sense of..
Theres a vacuum inside me..i feel my heart fall deeper and deeper within itself..felt as if i was sinking while i lay still..
He took me there..
Where the sun kisses the ocean and the ocean meets the land..
One pant leg upto my knee..the other lags at my ankle..
too trivial i decide..and too tired to pull it back up again
weighing down with a part of the salty ocean and flopping and slapping against my feet..
I look to the horizon and try to lose myself among the waves and the overwhelming calm..
The calm i'm seldom surrounded by..
I wait to be inspired..by all this..so i may write once more..its been too long..
I close my eyes..the breeze ruffles my hair the waves lick my feet gently and i'm almost there..
there where i want to be..almost..
"what are you thinking about?"..your voice rudely interrupts..
"stop going there i dont want to walk in the water.."
"Arghhh..my pants!damn it!"..
I take a deep breath and bite down the coming wave of anger..
Calm down..calm down..
just in that moment i realised how wrong our perceived 'right' is together..
Just in this moment when i see that blinking meaningless light go on relentlessly..
It hits me again in a new perspective
I wonder how long i'll pay this price..
hark now hear!destiny is calling me..
Say it isn't so..
I want to cry but the tears adamantly refuse to appear..
I want to talk to you but you refuse to listen..
She wants to hear me out but i refuse to speak..
I've lost it..
That spark of spontaneity..
That burst of electricity..
The feeling's gone..
there's nothing left to life me up..
back into the world i knew..
you doused my fire..
with your damp, foul breath..
constantly cursing..constantly breathing
constantly snubbing and rubbing me out..
Its gone now..
you want to work it out
before we completely burn out..
i'm already ashes my dear....
I want to talk to you but you refuse to listen..
She wants to hear me out but i refuse to speak..
I've lost it..
That spark of spontaneity..
That burst of electricity..
The feeling's gone..
there's nothing left to life me up..
back into the world i knew..
you doused my fire..
with your damp, foul breath..
constantly cursing..constantly breathing
constantly snubbing and rubbing me out..
Its gone now..
you want to work it out
before we completely burn out..
i'm already ashes my dear....
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